They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
