I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
