Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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