you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
