We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
