You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
