I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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