oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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