If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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