Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
