dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
And then the night went full on bisexual.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize