Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
