I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I want a musical about memes.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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