I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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