No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
