Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
