remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
