Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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