if i can run in heels then i can drive
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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