just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm too high and old for this...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
