Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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