seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
