I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
