i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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