All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
