eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize