My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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