Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Randomize
