If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
