No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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