I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
