a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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