I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
