You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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