you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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