I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
