kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
