hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
