So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize