went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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