My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
