Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
