just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
