my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
