Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
