So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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