We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
