these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
