I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
