I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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