I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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