first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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