Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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