I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
