I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Semen is not good for contacts.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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