addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
