you guys were way drunker than both of me
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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