I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
