I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
