After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize