mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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