i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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