her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
