i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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