I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
