this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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