i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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