When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
